It’s not a lack of exposure. It’s not a lack of content. The quotes and memes on boundaries run deep. We nod our heads, say ‘oh shit that’s me’, and then go about our day. They’ll kick in on their own when we need them, right?
Most people wait until their boundaries have already been crossed to meaningfully consider or communicate them. It’s easier to name them when you’ve lived the consequences. The food you dislike leaves a stronger taste in your mouth.
Like most things, it’s not the concept of boundaries that we struggle with - it’s the execution. If I asked you right now what your non-negotiable boundaries are to live the life you want, how long would the pause be?
If you’ve never defined them, if you’ve never communicated them proactively, if you’ve never implemented them, they are imaginary.
What keeps us from doing those things?
Boundary Interference: Overachieving, People Pleasing, and Rescuing
This obstacle comes with 3 sub-obstacles I see reoccurring in my practice. I work with passionate, driven people. It’s rarely a lack of knowledge or desire. Obstacles around boundary management often affect highly-successful people the most. When we dig deeper into what is blocking them from building the bridge to their goals, these 3 are often interfering:
Overachieving
People Pleasing
Rescuing
We ignore internet advice because powerful quotes and memes don’t change habits, powerful shifts in perception and the actions you take as a result do. The thoughts and actions of today create tomorrow. If you’re not willing to DO, working with me is not for you.
Things to Consider in the Journey to Overcome:
Overachieving
We get so wrapped up in this generalized idea of being ‘successful’ or subconscious expectations around your ‘potential’ that we get trapped in a cycle of aimless overachievement. Achieving for achieving’s sake. Serving other people’s goals instead of establishing and working towards our own can be a way to avoid vulnerability. Have you traded vulnerability for industriousness?
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what authentic, joyful success would look like for you? Or are you just playing the game someone else suggested? Define the game YOU want to play (your vision for your life and what will actually fulfill you). If you don’t have a clear idea of what success is for you, how can you establish clear boundaries around what you’re willing to do - or not do - to get there?
What’s the point of ‘winning’ or succeeding at something if the results don’t make you happy?
People Pleasing
You have a unique frequency, and when you try to hit every note for every person, all you do is create noise. What would happen if you focused on being as clear as possible so that the right people could hear you?
- is a coach who specializes in overcoming people-pleasing and has some fantastic content. These are all perspectives I’ve seen her post about that I found powerful:
Chronic impatience and frustration are tell-tale signs that you are overgiving and need to examine boundary management as an inner obstacle.
Can be tied up in seeking predictability and safety - not wanting to ‘rock the boat’ or a desire to ‘protect’ relationships, but she poses a powerful juxtaposition exercise - imagine this from the perspective of the other person! It’s doing the opposite of what you want.
When you don’t tell me how you actually feel, I can’t trust what you say.
When you don’t tell me if I’ve crossed a boundary or hurt your feelings, and I find out later, I’m horrified and embarrassed that you didn’t trust me enough to give me the chance to fix it.
Rescuing
As a recovered rescuer, this one hits close to home. The book All For Love by Matt Kahn is a great deep dive into boundary building for empaths and rescuers. He covers some of these powerful mindset shifts:
Just because you can sense what’s wrong doesn’t mean you need to fix what’s wrong.
The inner rescuer will waste time and energy trying to correct every misperception.
Holding space for someone is not the same as taking the responsibility away from someone. You disempower them when you try to control and solve their problems.
Are you resentful of giving away what people aren’t asking you for? Are you waiting to receive something back that others aren’t ready or able to provide?
Want to go deeper? Learn about ways to work with me.
Takeaways + Tools + Prompts
One of the first things I do with clients is to have them outline their vision for their lives (define the ‘game’ they want to play). Then look at what drains them and what energizes them. This is your roadmap to what ‘rules’ or boundaries you need to establish. This is going to help define how you are going to choose to play the ‘game’ of life. What are you willing to do - and not willing to do - to get to your goals?
Imagine your body as an energy field. Interacting with the fields of others through your activities and relationships. We affect each other in this way, amplifying and quieting aspects of each other's energy when we interact. Now, imagine your energy as a lazy river at the water park. The current flows on a closed circuit. Others can ride along and enjoy your current if you allow them in, but they don’t leave with your energy. You allow them to enjoy your current, not affect its flow.
Creative Project Prompt + Curated Playlist
Listen end-to-end to this curated playlist as you create a visual art piece (scribbles, paint, collage - anything that feels right) inspired by an insight you had on boundaries. Let the rhythm, melodies, and journey the playlist takes you on guide your brushstrokes or mark-making, capturing the energy of the sound.
Make mine with me and share yours with the community!
Meditative Prompt
Write a personal manifesto that outlines your core values, beliefs, and guiding principles. Think of each sentence as its own impactful statement. These are the ‘rules’ to your ‘game’. What you need to live by to feel your personal, authentic, joy and success. Start just one sentence at a time, and when you have insights on your journey, add to it (or change it - what matters now may or may not matter to you later).
I like to add to mine each time we do a deep dive. I’ll share the two I’ve added to mine so far:
Inspired by The Self-Awareness Trap: I face my fears and do not let them prevent me from taking action.
Inspired by Are Your Boundaries Imaginary?: I am no longer a rescuer - instead, I show others how to heal themselves.
Gratitude Prompt
Consider writing these out for yourself and saying them out loud.
I’m grateful that seeing a problem doesn’t mean I have to solve it.
I’m grateful to realize that impatience is a sign I can watch for to know when I am overgiving.
I’m grateful for the gift of clarity from those who do not respect my boundaries.